January has always been a strange time for me since we lost my brother in 2013. For better or for worse, I find myself feeling very introspective. What I’ve done, what I want to do, how I am mentally.
Joelmas (The self-designated holiday of mental health and self-care celebrated in the Curiosity Community on January 30th), of course is a day for taking care of myself mentally… I always treat myself to something special. Tea, a manicure, a massage, or even just a day free of guilt to play video games.
The importance we put around the new year has always struck me as a bit strange.
“New year, new me”, so many say and make resolutions of how this year will be different than the last. Some they keep, some they don’t.
But the truth of the matter is, it’s not new year, new you. It’s new day—new moment, new you. We’re these ever-evolving creatures, minutely shifting from ever experience we have, and normally we’re changing at a rate that our minds can keep up.
But then something throws us out of balance… We get out of sync.
I’ve been out of sync for a long time now.
I’ve been trying to find a structure I’m comfortable with in regards to creating, and, as I imagine you’ve noticed, I’ve been struggling. I’ve talked a bit about getting out of an unhealthy situation, and I’m sure you’ve pieced together that the past few years have been… difficult.
But I haven’t really admitted that to myself. I’ve been, for the most party, trying to carry on as if getting out was all I needed to do. As if post-traumatic stress wasn’t even a thing I could possibly have to worry about… And that’s been taking its toll.
I still have good days. I don’t want you to think I’ve been in this pit with no reprieve because that’s not true. But much like dealing with actual abuse, the recovery from abuse isn’t all bad days. So you convince yourself you’re fine. You’re not THAT hurt… all the while you’re still sort of emotionally bleeding out.
The past month or so, I’ve… really noticed where I’m still wounded. Where I’ve been using anger or distraction to ignore it.
So I’m currently taking steps to really address those broken pieces. So I can get out of this mostly numb state and back to… well… being me. 100% of the time me. Not disconnected, not blocked creatively save for the few spurts of emotional vomit or what have you…
So what does that mean? For me personally, it means a lot of things, like being a bit kinder on myself for one, and more importantly, reaching out for some professional help.
And it also means we’re going to wander a bit you and I. Creatively. We’re going to shrug off structure and let ourselves be messy. It means I want to create one new thing a week, and I’m not going to hold myself to what form that has to be.
Maybe it will be a vlog about nothing, or a video about cooking, a song, or a long-form written confession about my latest therapy break through—I’m giving myself that freedom. We’re leaning hard into the ‘whim’ of whimsy and see where that takes us.
At least, I hope you’ll come with me. That’s your own decision to make. But I hope you will. I’ll get back to something more structured eventually—I’d really like to get back to doing regular delves into curious things. Some may even come out of this freeform wander.
But if you want to wait till I get back to that. I understand. Do what’s best for you.
But if you are game to tumble down wherever the rabbit hole leads us…
Take my hand.
And get ready to jump.
We’ve got a whole lotta worlds to see.